So, I was watching a seal clubbing video...
So, a few days ago I was brewing beer in my back yard...
Funny thing about Napoleon complex is that Napoleon wasn’t actually that short
He tried to cool-guy our brunch
Enough of this fucking Tom-Foolery
I don’t really buy that Jared dude lost all that weight just eating Subway
Before you brush your teeth, can I wash my socks in the sink?
Me and Jimmy Buffet have the same dentist
I love browsing through the CVS electronics section, man!
Guys, what do you think Obama’s doing right now
I have to be a scientist right now. My fish are dropping dead so I have to do some chemistry
Herbalife is dope!
Trump’s wife is hot... Ted’s not so much
Were unemployed working men
I just saw a NYC counter terrorism cop vaping
Static IV was my Boys in The Hood
I’m trying to fake-skate too
She’s really cute I just wish she didn’t skate
I almost made the worst decision and brought my kids to Bonaroo last year
I heard Old Navy has good stuff now. Like stuff that fits!
You asked me if I COULD dance. I said ‘no’. You didn’t ask me if I WOULD dance.
There really should be more sporks out there in the world.
I wanna go roller-skating so bad.
Dinosaurs are like the coolest things of all time
I’m thinking about getting into video games
I read the reviews on Yelp and apparently their tater-tots are amazing.
How come Drake only puts out hits?
I feel like he’s a tailslide 270er
I grew up listening to Indigo Girls.
My grandmother knits way better than you.
Nobody in New York City is a virgin…..cuz we’re all getting fucked.
He’s the illest dude ever….I watched him throw a bike at his ex girlfriend once
Do you think cause Dustin’s on the bus he makes the bus slower?
I can’t really judge a restaurant until I’ve taken a shit
I used to drink a 40 of King Cobra, get halfway and then pour a sparks into it. We called it a ‘Hyper-Vyper’
I fell like when people find out I have a bachelor’s degree they don’t believe me.
I wanna girlfriend because I get lonely really easily
You ever hear the story about Rob Campbell ollieing a dead guy?
People say they don’t like it when the girl just lays there. But I do cuz I can do whatever I want.
Dolphins are like the most knowin-whats-goin-on animal
The cellar door is like the state bird of New York.
I feel like archaeology is a dying profession.
I did some creepy shit last night
Did I ever tell you I had a dream that I fakie tre-flipped a bar-hop without any shoes on?
Sometimes I wonder who I’m going to marry
People only care about you if you’re dead, have money or have gum
I stayed over at her house. But she woke up early to go vote
I wish you could eat your own hair
Today is the day Rasputin was murdered in 1916…......AND it’s a full moon!
Just had apple pie n’ coffee at a diner…..I feel like Deniro in Taxi Driver
My new goal in life is to have a nervous breakdown at Street League
I think I lost my anti-aging cream.
All my leg muscles went away because I haven’t skated in so long
I’m the last of the baggy pants
Gardening is my only outlet right now
I’ve seen that dude fall asleep at the top of a willow tree before
I wanna do a Kickstarter campaign to get a new apartment
In the suburbs the TV is your city…..here we make things for TV
I got two pillows from Family Dollar yesterday…....don’t ever do that.
I think it’s between Gonz and Jimmy Lannon who will figure out how to levitate first
I love when no-one calls me, it’s the best feeling ever
Hooters actually has really good burgers.